We all know that Donald Trump loves the Bible. No one has ever loved the Bible more than Trump. He even loves both the Corinthians.
But it turns out that Trump especially loves one particular Bible: the large-print King James "God Bless the USA Bible" from singer Lee Greenwood, which can be yours for only $59.99. And worth every penny:
So there you have it. Trump has sold his name and likeness to a Bible the same way he does to Asian hotels and Indonesian golf courses. Trump explained further in a promotional video:
Christians are under siege, we must protect content that is pro-God. We love God and we have to protect anything that is pro-God. We must defend God in the public square and not allow the media or the left-wing groups to silence, censor, or discriminate against us.... I’m proud to partner with Lee in this offering.... He’s very, very special and I think you all should get a copy of God Bless the U.S.A. Bible now and help spread our Christian values with others. There you have it. Let’s make America pray again. God bless you and God bless the U.S.A..
I wonder what Trump's cut from each Bible is?
Thirty pieces of silver of course…
An ave for you.
I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to?
I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.
She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!
You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said.
This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!
the onion
That's truly a pitch for the ages. The Onion does great work!
Do the trumped up Bibles have His (djt's) autograph on the title page? Just askin' ...
[slams the cover with palm]
The really cool thing about this bible is they’ve replaced all of the places with the name “Jesus” with Trump.
And the Three Wise Men who visit the infant Donald are all bringing gold.
Disappointing that it doesn't have a gold mylar cover with a big raised T on it.
How low can "he"go! There is no limit.
Reminiscent of "Paper Moon", for those who remember movies...
Except Moses Pray was not only a piker, but an honest man with at least the vestige of a conscience, compared to our putative Orange Overlord.
I saw Paper Moon in a theater during it's initial release. Tatum O'Neal, age ten, won the Oscar for this and is still the youngest competitive Oscar winner. She's now 60. That is depressing.
All true, but my point was that selling Bibles is only for the lowest of the low...
https://youtu.be/rVlT3uHlNAg?si=NsfUXQkUgzhgOOEw
Trump Vodka is back... in Bible form!
If this is a Simpsons/pog allusion I tip my hat.
"Bible sales. Now the trade is not a complicated one. There are but two things to learn. One bein' where to find a wholesaler - the Word of God in bulk as it were. Two, how to recognize your customer. Who are you dealin' with? It's an exercise in psychology, so to speak." Big Dan Teague
This is another example of the classic mismatches between Trump and the evangelical base that bizarrely don’t matter at all to the base.
The use of the King James Bible, practically for verboten in evangelical circles. Anyone “serious” about scripture will argue all day long about what translation to use, but KJV is never the answer.
But like infidelity, etc. none of this matters.
Really? Evengelicals forbid the King James? Then which version do they endorse? (For the record, I've got 3-4 different versions, plus R. Crumb's illustrated Genesis.)
Every translation of the Bible has its own biases. I believe evangelicals usually prefer the New International Version.
When I was an evangelical way back when, the KJV wasn't forbidden, just regarded as a translation of inferior fidelity. The NIV was far more commonplace, though the NRSV got some use, too.
One problem with the KJV, or with almost any other version except the NIV 4th edition, is that Exodus 21.22 treats a miscarriage resulting from a fight as less than criminal, merely requiring compensation paid to the father.
I don't personally know which bible flavor the evangelicals prefer, but I have met plenty of people who totally dig the KJB because is sounds more authentic to have all the thees and thous and hasts. Many of these same people seem to believe the KJB is the "original" text. "English was good enuf for Jezus and it's good enuf for me!"
I did not know evangelicals had a beef with the KJB. But those folks are so odd that it doesn’t surprise me.
And as an atheist all of it just seems silly. Like some purist eschewing EB White’s Once and Future King because it’s a “less accurate” version of reality.
KJV is always acceptable in evangelical churches; some really conservative churches are exclusively KJV.
"Christians are under siege"
Yes, this is true. Because Christians--well, at least MAGA Christians--define "under siege" as lacking the right to order every random Jew, Muslim, or atheist they encounter in the street to fall to their knees and accept Jesus Christ (and/or Unser Drumpfenfuhrer) as their personal savior. And the right to do so is also their definition of "religious freedom" (Alito and Thomas pretty much agree).
And since we discussed movies above, I can't help noting that Under Siege is the title of a surprisingly pretty good '90s Die Hard knockoff (it's Die Hard on a battleship, not nearly as good, but reasonable fun) starring ... ahem, Putin lickspittle Steven Seagal. (Gary Busey, another MAGAt, entertainingly chews the scenery as chief villain.)
My King James (a prize for learning 100 verses) had the words of Jesus in Red Letters.
This must be significant, and I'm not interested in a Trump Bible if there are not red letters indicating the exact words of Jesus. (You know he spoke English, right?)
Red letters, red hats, read not where in the red-roofed spy palace. No Gideons there. Not a one.
You got prizes for learning Bible verses? Perhaps you remember the chapter in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer where boys and girls got tickets for memorizing verses, and when they had learned 2000 they received a Bible. So Tom bought 2000 verses' worth of tickets from a number of other boys for items of junk he had accumulated, and then at the most dramatic moment he came forward to the minister and demanded a Bible. The minister then asked him a very simple question and Tom showed that he didn't have the foggiest idea of what was in it.
It was at a summer camp; bible camp was nearly free.
Regular summer camp cost too much.
So my mom got a break by sending us all to the Circle L Bible Camp.
That and celebrating Christmas and Easter were the only religion in the house; so it was definitely economics that landed us there.
Trump's pitch is classic. It reminded me of the fact that some salesmen start off by saying the stupidest thing you can imagine, and if you are still listening to them after hearing that, then they know they found someone stupid enough to buy what they are selling.
It's a clever way to filter your customers.
Like having a website called "GodblesstheUSABible.com" all by itself is going to attract only the dimmest of bulbs.
At this point I really don't care about the MAGA imbeciles who buy this junk, or his absurd NTF art, or contribute to his campaign/legal defense fund, or spend their food, rent, cigarette and beer money buying into Truth. At the end of the day he is going fuck them over, like he does with everyone else.
"Make America pray again" should be a fixture of Biden ads for the next 7 1/2 months
Let us pause for a moment to marvel at the sight of a man who cannot quote one sentence from the Bible finding a way to make money by selling it.
While transcribing the middle portion of the video I was struck by how plain, unadorned, and generic his words were. Just a lot of "bible" (3) , "pray" (3), religion" (4), and "God" (7).
As if he was promoting a book he's never read.
DON'T buy cheap knock-off versions! They are probably made in China and full of Fake Religion!!! Buy only the Trump-endorsed Bible, which has also been endorsed by God.
We guarantee no payments are going to Trump's political campaign, all payments are going directly to Donald Trump's personal pockets.
Guaranteed delivery in 4 to 6 weeks. No, not delivery from evil, just delivery of our cheap bible.
The old story they used to tell in Bible As Literature class--always the KJV, adapted by the greatest literary minds of the post Elizabethan golden age--was if you take the 46th psalm and omit the Selahs, the 46th word from the beginning is Shake. The 46th word from the end is Spear.
Try it.
Hi, I need to raise a lot of money because I have to pay various fines for bearing false witness, sexual assault, and cheating on my pregnant wife with a porn star. Can I interest you in a Bible?
Irony is dead.