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News you can use, teetotaler edition

In the Washington Post, Rachel Rueckert complains that it's a pain in the butt being a teetotaler. I concur! Even though about a quarter of American adults are nondrinkers, people still look at you a little funny if you don't drink. And this causes problems:

Standing in a dim bar for the annual work party or a festive meet-and-greet with my graduate school classmates, I order a Shirley Temple, just to have something fizzy and reddish to hold....I’m relaxed, having a good time — enjoying the radio soundtrack and the casual conversation — until a well-meaning person asks me what I’m drinking. Then comes the shock, followed by a response tinged with pity or slight offense (as if my choice reflects judgment about theirs). “Why don’t you drink?”

....I’ve tried for most of my adult life to satisfy these curious inquiries with a revolving set of answers. The first: I grew up in a devout Mormon home in suburban Utah....The second: I have boring preferences....Another response: It’s too pricey....Another: Bad memories....Another: I’m the designated driver....Another: Addiction runs in my family.

Here's a better excuse: I hate the taste of alcohol. In my case this is true, but it doesn't matter if it's a bit of a white lie. I've never come across anybody who keeps digging much after I say this.

One other thing: that Shirley Temple sends the wrong message. Try sipping a coke, or ginger ale, or something like that. You'll get fewer people who even ask you about it in the first place.

This concludes Kevin's life advice for teetotalers. You may now return to your normal business.

57 thoughts on “News you can use, teetotaler edition

  1. cld

    I only drink at my wingnut relative's house, then it takes me a week to recover.

    Still recovering. Watched a 13-year-old kid unwrapping his Christmas presents. Lots of ammo. 'Is it batteries?' I asked.

  2. jharp

    I happen to think the non drinkers have it right. The money. The health consequences. The boorish behavior.

    Except the ones who substitute soda.

    You can get hooked on that crap just as easy and it too will put you in an early grave.

    1. realrobmac

      You can usually get soda water in bars for free. That's for sure a better option, kind of pleasant to drink with a slice of lime or a few drops of bitters.

    2. sfbay1949

      You must not have an addiction to alcohol. There is no comparison, none, between being hooked on alcohol and being "hooked" on soda.

      1. limitholdemblog

        This.

        It's not that I would necessarily recommend drinking tons of soda, but other than the sugar content (avoidable if you drink diet soda), there's literally no proven health issues with it. People believe a lot of BS about soda.

        Meanwhile alcohol literally kills almost 100,000 Americans a year. And it's ridiculously addictive.

          1. limitholdemblog

            That's a bad argument, though, because the vast majority of those deaths were not caused by soda. In fact, it's entirely possible none of them were.

            And as I said, diet soda, which gets attacked too, doesn't even raise the sugar issue.

            Meanwhile, there is a direct and proximate causal relationship between alcohol consumption and almost 100k American deaths a year.

  3. realrobmac

    Try being a vegetarian, dude. At least drinking alcohol is a totally optional thing. If you are a vegetarian at the work party you will have long ago learned to eat something on your own first because they sure are not likely to have anything for you. Or at your uncle or cousin's wedding or holiday party, etc., etc. And obviously people are constantly asking the vegetarian why he doesn't eat meat, though they actually would prefer not to know just as they are about to bite into a steak, all about animal cruelty, environmental impact, and so on, so you really have to learn to be diplomatic so you don't end up being Captain Bringdown. But you learn to accept that you are the weirdo everywhere you go and just deal with it.

    Just don't order a ridiculous drink like a Shirley Temple. I seriously doubt very many people actually care.

    1. KawSunflower

      Twice in my life, I've been informed by waitstaff that "vegetarians eat fish" because there were NO vegetarian, let alone vegan options - at restaurants chosen for monthly office lunches.

      Having had 5 tanks at home for fish until a tornado & 4-day power outage overcame my ability to maintain life using battery-operated pumps & Amquel, I'm never eating fish.

      And in college, I frank Schweppes Bitter Lemon- straight. Worked fine.

    1. wvmcl2

      I have never in my life asked someone "why don't you drink?" and I don't recall ever hearing anyone else ask that question. That Rueckert piece sounds like silly filler of the type we used to get on slow news days (remember those?).

      1. dausuul

        I have, quite a few times.

        Doesn't really come up now that I'm in my 40s, but in my 20s it was a nuisance. And I'm male; women tend to get more crap over stuff like this, so I can well imagine the writer of the article is legit sick of it.

        1. bethby30

          Back in the 60s I got the “you must be uptight” when I wouldn’t smoke marijuana at parties. The few times I did I fell fast asleep which was no fun at all — not unpleasant but boring.

    2. rrhersh

      The actual answer doesn't matter. The key is to grey wall the other person. That is to say, have an answer that is boring and unchanging, so for the other person asking the question is like asking a grey wall. The mistake the author of this piece makes is cycling through a list of answers. That only encourages them. Repeat the same answer exactly: same words, same intonation. Eventually the other person will get bored and wander off.

  4. Maynard Handley

    I guess this is where it helps being an aggressive curmudgeon.
    The easy answer to “Why don’t you drink?” is "Fsck you; it's none of your business".

    I empathize with a lot of human strangeness, but this is one I really don't get. No-one feels weird like they have to explain why they aren't a heroin addict, or why they don't smoke -- but they feel they have to explain why they don't drink? I really do not get it.

    1. ScentOfViolets

      As one curmudgeon to another, I say "Hear, Hear!" It's nobody's business what I do.

      I will say though that once I hit sixty I cut waaaay back. If anyone ever asks I tell them it's because I'm worried about the well-documented adverse effects of alcohol on mental after the age of sixty, memory being chief amongst the more obvious ones.

    2. Special Newb

      Because alcoholic beveragea are a definite driver of human civilization. Even in a time where we have clean water a super majority if the population drinks. It was higher in the past.

      It is a very minority position.

  5. Steve_OH

    I drink a little, the equivalent of maybe one beer per month. My wife doesn't drink at all. (She, along with her father and brother, have a very strong aversion to alcohol, and can taste the most minute quantities of it, so I think there's a genetic component.)

    I think it's incredibly rude to ask someone why they don't drink (or worse, to sneak alcohol into someone's food or drink who has expressly said that they don't want it). I think the best response to the question is along the lines of, "My father killed two people driving while drunk. From experience, I've learned that I have inherited some of his alcoholic tendencies, and I'd prefer to not end up in the same situation." True or not, it's very effective at shutting down that line of questioning.

  6. sonofthereturnofaptidude

    I quit drinking a little over a year ago; I didn't drink much at all before my mid-30s. I quit because alcohol played havoc with my digestion. That's all I need to say. Fortunately, you can get a decent non-alcoholic beer now (I prefer Lagunitas IPNA).

  7. jakewidman

    She could learn to like kombucha--most bars out here will have that, I think. It's trendy, and people probably won't ask why you're drinking it instead of alcohol. If they do, start explaining the health benefits of fermented foods, and that'll put an end to that conversation.

  8. jeff-fisher

    Anyone who would ask a follow up question like that is a total jerk.

    If the person wanted to go into it further they would, and if not the answer is likely not one for casual conversation.

  9. dilbert dogbert

    One of the sad parts of growing old for me is losing the taste or desire for alcohol. Haven't touched a beer for months. Beer is my tipple.

  10. cephalopod

    I rarely drink alcohol, but no one ever bugs me about it. The nice thing is bars actually have plenty of things I can have instead.

  11. simplicio

    Yea, I'm always surprised how often I see otherwise sensible people pressure others to drink at social events. I'm not a teetotaler, but obviously a lot of people are for reasons that involve some pretty personal experiences or struggles. Pushing people about their reasons for not drinking is just being a dick.

  12. drfood4

    My favorite non-drink drink was Sprite & Sour. The sour mix slows you down, add a slice of lime and it's pretty good! I agree that "I don't like the taste" is a good answer.

  13. Rich Beckman

    Except for getting drunk once when I was fourteen (it tasted so bad but everyone I knew did it daily, it must feel great! No, it doesn't), I was a teetotaler until my early 40's.

    When people asked, that's what I told them "I don't like the taste." In the early years, high school and college, I was given endless concoctions to try ("You'll like this!!) but they all tasted bad.

    Whenever I came home from college, Dad would offer me a beer. I think he figured I was drinking, but since I was underage I was reluctant to admit it. Eventually, he apparantly resigned himself to the fact that one of his sons was a non-drinkier.

  14. Jerry O'Brien

    I don't think it's terribly rude in a casual friendly environment to ask someone why they don't drink. Drinking alcohol is a common social activity; why wouldn't you converse about your choices regarding that social activity, when you're in a social setting?

    I guess one possible reason is alcoholism. A recovering alcoholic might prefer not to talk about it, and that's reason to go lightly if you do wonder why someone doesn't drink. I still think people sometimes need to ask personal questions to learn from each other.

  15. rational thought

    Wow this post of Kevin hits home as that is me too! And so rarely here of anyone who is like me in that way .

    And others just do not understand. It is not just that I do not like the taste of alcohol when I am drinking it. That taste lasts for HOURS and makes my life unpleasant during that period. And I can taste the horrible taste of alcohol in small amounts. If some sort of fruit has even slightly fermented, I can taste it- yuck - when others do not even notice. If a food cooked in wine is properly cooked where all the alcohol burns off , fine and good ..if even a little left behind, cannot eat it. And many times " friends " have snuck a small dose of alcoholic into my drink to prove I cannot really taste it but just proved I can.

    And, of course, people continually thinking that " you cannot really taste the alcohol " in x drink and lying to me about whether alcohol in it until I drink some .

    I actually was told by my doctor that it would be good for my health to drink maybe a little wine like half a glass at night. So I bought a bottle and really tried to get used to it and tolerate the taste . A few months later, after only managing to get through half the bottle and torturing myself , I decided I would rather die earlier.

    But my experience is different than Kevin's in regards to people being nice in backing off if you explain this . To me , seems they either really think that is weird or do not believe you. And keep trying to convert you into a drinker. If they think you are not drinking because you are a recovering alcoholic, and many things you can say that is truthful but might imply that , they immediately back off.

    When I often used to play poker in a casino, if the table was a large social group of drinkers, being the only one not drinking killed your action and cost you money. So I used to order a drink and manage to splash it on me without ingesting ( I am OK with smell) and pretend to be tipsy.

  16. ScentOfViolets

    Given the relative percentages of non/drinkers, I'm wondering if sometimes asking why somebody doesn't drink is a proxy for 'Are you a religious wackjobB?

    1. HokieAnnie

      I think so, I confess in years past I might have inquired to suss that out or to suss out whether or not any college buddies would be more at ease if I also refrained in their presence. The few times I've drank more than I should - all years ago I regretted it and mostly I have one beer and that's that.

  17. Master Slacker

    And to think one of the main tropes for the rise of agrarian civilization was the necessity of a stable location in order to brew beer and make bread.

  18. ruralhobo

    Nobody cared when I stopped drinking, except those who now want me to drive them home. The problem is I do care myself. It is so IRRITATING to be surrounded by drunk people if you aren't drunk yourself. Even tipsy people get on my nerves. I have Arab friends and tried going to their parties instead. Bore me to death!

    Frankly, the only thing I miss about alcohol is having fun at parties.

  19. Jasper_in_Boston

    I'm not a teetoler, but I do find even modest consumption of alcohol has a noticeably negative effect on sleep quality. Quality of sleep, in turn, greatly impacts quality of life.

    1. lawnorder

      I have a variant of that experience. Forty years ago I was a serious party animal with a very high tolerance for alcohol. These days, alcohol is a very effective sleep aid. I can't get drunk because I fall asleep after the second, or at most third, drink. My sleep quality is not affected, but both quantity and timing of sleep are.

  20. Atticus

    I drink more than I should. A couple drinks every night and more on the weekends or if we’re socializing. But I’ve been going one month a year (usually January) without drinking.

    To Kevin’s point, it seems weird to just not like the taste of alcohol. There’s so many different types of alcohol and different types of mixed drinks. I’m not judging and couldn’t care less if someone doesn’t drink. Just seems like a weird reason to me.

    1. rational thought

      See you do not understand.

      For me and probably kevin, it has nothing to do with what the alcohol is in or what it is mixed with . And not even that much the quantity - even a small amount ruins anything.

      I know you are not judging but when you say it is weird , you just have trouble perceiving.

      I know someone who cannot stand the taste of anything even mildly sweet . And boy does that limit her diet. And I have real trouble conceiving of that myself and have once or twice too said to her to try this maybe you will like it.

      1. HokieAnnie

        Well it is well known that there's a genetic component to how you taste cilantro and broccoli - I myself hate the taste of raw broccoli but love it roasted or in other things when cooked. I wonder if that isn't at play here.

        1. Atticus

          Yes! We have a friend like that with cilantro. To her it tastes exactly like something else (can’t remember what). But if there’s a trace of it something she’s eating she’ll know right away and will be repulsed.

      2. Atticus

        Honestly interested in this. There’s a big difference in the taste of beer, versus wine, versus liquor. (Not to mention all the varieties of each.) Is any variety of alcohol equally repulsive?

        1. rational thought

          Yes. There is really no variety in the alcohol itself. That is just alcohol.

          Differing types of drinks have different types of ingredients in addition to the alcohol, but it is the alcohol itself I cannot stand. And, in some way , not even sure " taste " is really describing the issue- it is more like some kind of sense slightly different from taste .

          But I think I do differ in what tastes I like re the other ingredients of alcoholic drinks . Pretty sure I would like wine if not for the alcohol aversion but not beer. Just that the alcohol issue just overwhelms anything else.

          And , to Hokie, yes I think this is probably genetic . Maybe an evolved defense against an otherwise prediction to alcoholism?

    2. Salamander

      I don't have the alcohol aversion thing, but I've got other (weird) aversions. Like milk. Hating it from day one, but being forced to drink it all through K12 school because Wisconsin. Never touched the stuff since.

      I picked up another, more temporary aversion when out on a PE class run, out past the school hog barns on the way to the nuclear reactor. The scent of pigs and their dung stuck with me for many months. I could detect it on any pork product, even bacon! (a tragedy) Fortunately, it faded with time.

      If a person has an apparently non-rational (but maybe it is rational!) aversion to the taste/smell of alcohol, I believe it.

  21. pjcamp1905

    Beer is one of the two essential fluids of physics. The other is coffee. It's like having two pedals in your car; one to make your brain go and one to make it stop going when you're done with it.

    I once went to a relativity meeting at U of Colorado Boulder, and we spent an afternoon at the municipal ski lodge. We drank 35 kegs in two hours. And relativity in the 1980's was not that big of a field.

    1. Special Newb

      I hate the taste of beer. Good thing I am not a scientist.

      I do enjoy other alcoholic beverages of the opportunity presents.

    2. Salamander

      At one time, some company marketed a kind of beer coffee/coffee beer. That just seems wrong, not to mention nauseating.

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